MrWriterWriter's Orphanage
by MrWriterWriter
Summary: Summary sorta inside. It'll be various, so just ignore the catagories.
1. Chapter 1

I know all of us at FFN have this problem: too many plot bunnies. Ideas you wanna put down on wordpad but already have fics your working on.

In that light, I'm creating The Orphanage, a spot to put fledgling ideas, drabbles, ect. Dunno if they count as challanges, but I'm just gonna go with the flow.

So if you see one that you wanna expand on, just let me know. First come first serve, though.


	2. Badasses in triplicate?

"Man, this is gonna be more trouble than it's worth." Shikamaru groaned to himself after the Hokage announced preliminary matches to narrow down who would be advancing. It didn't help that they had just finished with that stupid forest, _I'm still sore from dealing with those lousy Oto nins"_

Taking a quick tally of who was there, he sighed in relief that no one he knew personally was missing, _"Those three are here, along with the Sunas. And looks like all the rookies are here, as well as that Kabuto guy. Especially those two." _He resisted the urge to chuckle as he looked at what appeared to be two short blobs of orange, both easily three or four inches shorter than Hinata Hyuuga. One was topped with a mass of bright yellow, the other had two long tendrils of the same shade draping down. From the back, they couldn't been mistaken for odd decorations.

They would...until the spiky one moved, showing the side of a boy's face; three whisker-like marks on his cheek and sapphire-blue eyes. Shikamaru watched as he whispered something to the other, causing it to turn, showing a girl's face with the same marks and eye color.

The Uzumaki twins; Naruto and Naruko. They didn't look it, but both were the same age as him and the rest of the rookies. They were also the most notorious pair of practical jokers Konoha had. And despite their small stature, the two of them were capable of leading ANBU on a chase that could last for hours until they decided to give up or Iruka Umino managed to find them. Of course, that exasperated a lot of the adults in town, but usually they didn't do much outside shoot them annoyed looks and the occasional yell of 'hoodlums!'

A few however, were willing to try and express their annoyance with the two in a more violent manner, but ANBU usually stopped them beforehand.

Aside from that, there was one question he never could answer. Hell, no one knew seemed to be able to answer it: who's been training them?

As far as he knew, there was Sasuke, Sakura, and that creepy Sai kid on Team 7, Hinata, Shino, and Kiba on Team 8, Neji, Tenten, and the mini-Gai on Team 9, and him, Ino and Choji on Team 10.

But neither blonde were even listed on a team as far as he knew. And from what Asuma had told him, whoever was their sensei always had gotten their team assignments before or after the other jounin arrived. The only indication that the duo even had an instructor was that the Hokage had told them they had been nominated ahead of time.

"Hey, Shik, c'mon, their announcing the first match." Chouji piped up, breaking him from his musing. The blondes had already bounded up the balcony stairs and were eagerly watching the board cycle through names before landing on Ino and Kabuto as the first match.

On the opposite side, Kankuro, one of the Suna genin, was looking at the two blondes and glancing around at times, "Hey, what team are the two midgets on? I mean, genin teams are supposed to just have three. That's commonplace everywhere. So, what's the deal?"

"I gotta admit, I've been wondering about that too." his sister Temari added, "Their from Konoha, that much is obvious, but none of the jounins seem to acknowledge them as their students.

"We don't know either." Kurenai responded, "The only person that really knows is the Hokage and he refuses to say anything about it. We've asked about their teacher, but all they'll tell us is 'If he wants you to know, he'll introduce himself to you.' All I can say is some have been less than thrilled with the lack knowledge"

"Especially Team 7 when they got all butthurt after finding out the squirts beat them here by three days." Kiba said, loud enough for everyone to hear and earning a glare from said team, most notably Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi.

Kurenai had to grudgingly agree with her student's blunt comment. Ever since the team was made official, Hatake had been acting like his team was the cream of the crop. Unfortunately, that, along with his top fangirl as a teammate, ended up stroking the Uchiha's already inflated ego. Learning that he had been beaten by two people Sakura never hesitated to declare as Sasuke's inferiors, and by a large margin. Both Sasuke and Kakashi had been seen trying to interrogate them to find out any secrets.

Being told to 'go hump each other' wasn't quite what they were after.

They were broken from their thoughts by Hayate's announcing Kabuto as the winner while medics carted off an anesthetized Ino.

While this was going on, no one spotted Sarutobi glance over to one of the pillars and nod slightly, "To help speed things along, it's been decided that the next match will be two-on-two. After a request by their sensei, it will be Naruto and Naruko Uzumaki vs. the two names displayed on the board."

"Nani! Hokage-sama, you can't be serious!" Kakashi hollered, pointing at the twins who were already heading down the steps, "Those two have done nothing to show us what their capiable of. For all we know, they could have bribed their way into the ranks!"

"Hatake, you're an idiot." A voice spoke up. One that the Konoha shinobi found familiar, "We all know how nosey you are with that damn eye of yours. I'd say that's a fair reason not to show anything they've learned." The room occupants watched as a man stepped out from the shadows. He was dressed in an open chunin vest and mesh tank top that exposed a pair of well-muscled arms, his headband tied around his left bicep. A glint of light at his sides turned out to be a crescent blade mounted on the backs of half-finger gloves. The fight shorts he sported had a splattered blood pattern on them with his lower legs wrapped up.

However, it was his face that really caught their attention, shaggy, chin-length brown hair framed an easily recognized face, especially with the scar that ran across the bridge of his nose.

"It's about time you popped up, Iruka-Sensei!" Naruko said, giving the man a mock glare.

"IRUKA?" Asuma yelped, he cigerette he had falling out of his mouth.

Gai happily bellowed about the man's 'beaming youth' before Tenten kicked him in the shin.

Kurenai let out a wolf-whistle, blushing brightly when she realized what she had done.

Anko, on the other hand, was drooling, complete with visible hearts in her eyes, "YUM!"

"Down, girl!" Sarutobi muttered, keeping a grip on the back of her coat to keep her from tackling the man.

"This is preposterous!" Kakasi yelled indignantly, "Chunins can't lead genin teams!"

"True, but Iruka isn't. Not technically anyway. No, I won't say what his rank is, but he is more than qualified to teach them. Actually he's been training them for several years now."

"He what?" Sasuke growled, "I'm the one who deserves special training! How dare..." He was quickly silenced by a blast of KI from the man.

"Boo-hoo. The training was when I was off duty, and what I do with my free time is my own business. Got it, you godamn primadonna?" Iruka muttered, sweatdropping when that earned a horny squeal from Anko.

Kakashi started to protest again when a look from Sarutobi silenced him,"Quite. Now, let's see who their opponents will be." All eyes turned to the board as it cycled through names...

And stopped on Sasuke and Sakura.

The Uchiha scowled, as if the match was an insult to his skills. Haruno was busy screeching about how 'her sasuke-kun was going to wipe the floor with the both of them."

Even though his face was covered, people nearby could FEEL the smug, self satisfied expression Kakashi had under his mask, "Those two may as well quit now. They don't stand a chance against my team. I suggest you save your _students _the embarrassment and pull them out now"

Iruka's eyes narrowed dangerously, and surprisingly, so did both twins, the bastard didn't even both to hide the sarcasm when he said 'students' "You know, Hatake, I know having a reputation like yours entitles you to being at least a little proud of yourself, but I've had just about enough of your bullshit!" He quickly looked to the blondes, "Naruto, Naruko, you can stop pretending now."

"Serious?" Naruko brightened up a little while her brother let out a 'YESSS'.

"Serious." Iruka grinned, making Hayate back up a little, "Show 'em what Team 'Ha No Shinri' can do!"

Without another word, the two immediately undid the zippers of their jumpsuits. When they did, they were suddenly encased in a cloud when the sounds of dispelling jutsus could be heard.

"Kami, it feels good to be out of that!" They heard Naruko call out, or at least it sounded a little like her, though it sounded a little older, and had a slight seductive lilt to it.

"I'll say! Was wondering when he'd let us cut loose!" Naruto's voice responded, slightly deeper than normal.

As the smoke cleared, Iruka had to fight back the urge to laugh his head off at the look on the cyclops' face.

Up on the balcony, Gaara voiced the thoughts of several people there, "Uchiha and Haruno...are fucked."

xxxxxxx

Well, here the first occupant of The Orphanage.

Didn't wanna give out too much detail so who ever goes for this one with have the chance to add their own touch. Basically the premise is that instead of the Kyuubi attack alone, he had company (leaning toward his sister or so) So they both get sealed.

And how do you like Badass!Iruka? For some reason I'm picturing him as sort of a Special Forces type (like if the ANBU were S.W.A.T., he'd be a Green Beret.) There's not too much said about him, soo...(plus I've only really seen a small handfull of fics where he kicks royal ass)

Anyway, figured he's retired from his previous posistion and took the teaching job, but when he catches some the teachers deliberatly trying to fail them, he decides to handle their education personally.

I'll leave pairings up to the adopter, though if I might make a suggestion: Don't you think Shino could use a little love?


	3. Wardrobe MalfunctionWe gotta get a map

BRRRIIINNNGGG-!

*fling!*

CRASH!

*Pow!* ITAI! Who threw a freakin' CLOCK at me!"

Ignoring the commotion he had inadvertently created, Naruto let out his usual grumble of hated toward overly loud timepieces and hauled himself out of bed.

After a shower, he went to what counted for his wardrobe to get dressed for the day.

Unfortunately for the blonde, whether dictated by entities and forces beyond human understanding or simple chance, today this innocent action would start out quite possibly one of the wierdest periods in his life.

"Aw man!" He groaned at the currently empty closet, remembing he had intended to do his laundry yesterday but got caught up talking to Ayame at the ramen stand. "Gotta be something here I can wear..." A dig through the boxes of junk shoved into the back, a few carrying junk the apartments previous occupants left behind, rewarded him with a familiar looking package.

He immediately brightened when he recognized the handwriting on the paper, "Hey, this is the stuff Jiji sent me a few days after I finally graduated!" He remembered trying to wear it back then, but had second thoughts, thinking he'd have to put up with Sakura accusing him on trying to outdo 'Sasuke-kun' and that was a bigger hassle than it was worth. Though now he didn't really have a choice.

"At least it fits." He mused before opening it up again.

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Something was off in Konoha.

Very off.

It may've been the way Hana Inuzuka and her friends were staring in his direction with somewhat gobsmacked expressions, it could even have been how Ayame simply squeaked and stared while doing an impressive impression of a cherry when he stopped for a quick bite with her dad looking somewhat surprised, or even when Lee and Gai simply looked at him and screamed "YOUTH!" like it was a battlecry.

All he knew was that it was definatly not business as usual in the village.

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Another offering to my fellow writers. In this, Naruto has never been seen by Konoha without him wearing the jumpsuit so he has no idea he'd get reactions like that without it.

But, let the demented part of your mind out for a moment and imagine the kind of chaos that could ensue when people see what the orange has been hiding.

Since that one was a tad short, let's make it a twofer.

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When people arrived at the stadium for the first round of the chunin exam finals, they had assumed the Hyuuga prodigy would make short work of the proclaimed 'dead last'. A few were even putting down bats on how long the fight would take.

What they didn't count on was the sudden hole appearing in midair a few feet above the ground.

That and the two figures that fell out of it, landing in a heap in the middle of the arena.

"Once, just once, i'd like to land on my frigging FEET when we exit that thing!" One of them growled, the voice indicating it was male. As they got to their feet, the one that spoke was seen to have jet-black hair, pulled into a waist length ponytai while the other had an equally long mane of spikey blonde. Both were wearing what looked to be a piece-mealed cross between samurai armor and ANBU uniforms. The blonde was sporting a large and familiar looking sword on his back while the raven-haired had a pair of large kamas tucked in his belt.

"Ah, quit your bellyaching, Teme. At least we landed on solid ground this time." The other muttered as they dusted off, "Hm, looks like we're back in Konoha."

The moment he said that, the dark haied man looked at him with what could only be described as 'puppy dog Sharingans', "PLEASE tell me it's the neko version we visited a couple of times!"

The blonde snickered, "Damn, man! You got it bad!"

"Damn straight! The Sakura there's HOT! And a hell of a lot more pleasant then than most of the other ones. " He looked around only to slump in defeat, "Phooey..she was good at scaring off the fangirls too.."

The blonde started to say something when Sarutobi spoke up, "Who exactly ARE you two?"

The two looked up, causing the old man to drop his pipe when he saw the whisker marks.

"Hey, Jiji! Nice to see you're alive in this world!" The blonde waved before turning to his associate, "Sasuke, you getting the usual?"

"Yep...the 'Kazekage's staring right at me..and there's already blood seeping through that veil. " His eye twitched, "Snake Eater on three?"

"Why not."

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You can blame me watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure for this one. The premise is a mishap (malfunction ed seal, jutsu not quite working right...you're choice) tossing the duo around realities. The ensuing misadventures turning them into what appeared in the arena.


	4. You, OniiChan

Sometimes I wonder if I should've planned for this...

But then again, how the hell do you expect something like that to occur?

The whole thing started a little over six years ago when Ero-sennin and I made an unpleasant discovery. At least, unpleasant to us:

Everyone had thought Minato and Kushina had died after the Kyuubi attack, ending with him sealing it into me. Through either an unfathomable stroke of luck or an act of Kami herself, Minato was just able to survive the sealing, but instead of sticking around like REAL parents, the two assholes apparently decided I'd be better off in Konoha while they went elsewhere to recuperate.

However, niether of them returned.

That lasted until we were getting ready to return to Konoha the three year training trip (if you can call it that. The jackasses ditched me to go perve half the time.) We stopped in a little town on the Tea Country boarder to eat before making our way back. Niether of us were prepared for the sight.

Jiraiya nearly had a heart attack when he saw the supposed 'late' Forth Hokage and his wife sitting at a cafe. Between them was a 9 year old girl, her red hair done up in pigtails.

In between the spazzing and barrage of questions, I learned three things...

The two of them were my biological parents.

Strike one...

The two of them arrived here a few days after leaving Konoha to heal..and they've been living here ever since. All on the assumption that I was living a hero's life in Konoha.

Strike two...

The girl was named Rika, and she was my little sister. Now by then I had turned fifteen, which meant those two had been here for six before she was born. Six fucking years and they never even considered that my life might not have been as pleasant as they presumed to believe.

Strike three...

Oh, and their excuse for not coming back: since it's believed they died, they figured it was best if Konoha continued to think it, never mind the fact they ditched their own son to live on his own the whole damn time...

You're OUT!

When Jiriaya told them who I was...the two of them had the GALL to expect a big happy family reunion.

It took all I had and the pervy sage's help to surpress the urge to let the Kyuubi out on them..their only real saving grace was the fact Rika had never been told about me so she wouldn't be insistent on seeing her 'aniki' and I wasn't too eager to make her an orphan like they did me.

Of course, I made it clear to Ero-sennin that I'd be having a bone to pick with him after he let slip that he was named my Godfather

She earned points in my book for ripping into them both about what they had done. I probably should've felt guilty for the somewhat sadistic glee I got watching her making the 'Yellow Flash' and 'Red Death' feel about an inch tall when she was done. Well, that and the broken jaw Jiriaya gave them both, apologizing to Rika afterwards. We left the town shortly afterwards, any appitites long lost.

Needless to say, when we returned to Konoha Tsunade was ready to go on the warpath when Jiraiya told her about our 'discovery'. Their reputations quickly went down the crapper when the non-dickheaded side of Konoha found out. Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki were listed as banashed from Konoha before long.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling more of; hurt at just being left like that, or livid at them for starting up a new life without even considering how it would have affected the people that had cared about them. Either way, I resorted to distancing myself as far as possible from either of them, even to the point of contacts and dying my hair. I no longer went by Namikaze or Uzumaki. Was soon throwing myself back into training; thinking about those two pissed me off to no end and that was the best way I could put it out of my mind.

A couple of months later I decided to visit my sister, see how she was doing. When I arrived, I was greeted by a crying Rika. Things had been tense between her and her parents lately but they finally had a falling out. When I saw the fist shaped bruise on her cheek, the urge to let the fox out came back with a vengeance but that would have to wait. I wasn't exactly experienced with consoling a crying girl, so I did what I could to help her calm down . What happened next caught me by surprised: she asked come to Konoha with me. Turned out she had gottn into multiple arguments with them over what they had done. When she finally asked if they'd have done the same to her had a bijuu attacked when she was born, Minato lashed out. The look of plain hate on his face was enough to tell her they were parents she no longer wanted anything to do with. I used a few shadow clones to help her pack up what could be carried and we made our way back.

Thankfully, Tsunade was able to throw her weight around some and got us a better apartment. At first, the realization of having a younger sibling to look after was kinda daunting, but Anko, Hinata, and Tenten were more than willing to lend a hand when certain issues came up as Rika got older. She decided to attend the acadamy shortly after coming to the village and life went on from there.

Though..that's also the point I should've noticed the clues...

It started innocently enough, she seemed to prefer spending more time with me in anyone. No harm in that, I figured. Plus she was basicly new to the area.

As we got older, it went to modeling outfits, asking if I thought she looked cute in them. All I did was be honest, so I paid the blush and delighted squeals no mind, blaming Ino for getting her hooked on shopping.

The rather abundant affection, the expression she seemed to get whenever she looked my way, or the highly cute way she liked saying 'Onii-chan'..I thought it was just her being her.

Six years went by like that. Rika was now a chunin and surprisingly enough, I finally made it to Jounin.

Though it all came to a head...thirty minutes ago. She was uncharacteristicly shy about something. After a bit of coaxing, she told me she liked a guy for a while but was worried her attempts to get him to notice her weren't working. I couldn't help but chuckle and asked who the guy was, offering to maybe pass a message along (as well as warn him of what I'd do if he hurt her).

She blushed and stayed silent, so I decided to try and guess: I started with the guys I knew of close to her age: Udon? Not her type. Konoahamaru had hooked up with Moegi so that left Inari. She liked him, but just as a friend. On to the older guys then, Chouji? Nope. Shino? Unh-unh. Kiba? No. Shikamaru? No. I prayed it wasn't that prick Sasuke. Thankfully no. She considered Neji too uptight and Lee made it obvious he wasn't into the dating scene right now. Garaa was dating a gal in his home town and Kankuro creeped her out slightly. I was almost about to guess Iruka when she looked me straight in the eye and said those three words...

I could have been a little overprotective at times. Maybe tried too hard to make up for the time we could have spent together, I don't know..

But how the hell was I to know my little sister had fallen in love with me!

More importantly, what do I do about it?

...

Aw crap...how's Hinata gonna react!

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I blame the TVTropes site for putting this plot bunny in my head.

You can more than likly get the premise. Though I leave the details of the back story up to you.

For some reason, this strikes me working better as more of a humor tale: Naruto trying to wrap his head around the idea of him being the object of his sibling's affections and possibly failing magnificently


	5. HP MLP ?

No more. I was done with all of, done with all of them. Sick of Ron's stupid jealousy, Hermione's self-righteous attitude, especially when it came to that bloody S.P.E.W (even Dobby won't go near her after she tried to stick a cap on one of the Hogwarts house elves even after he said he didn't want it), Ginny's blasted fangirl-ness and she overbearing mother (who the hell is she to decide when and who I'm to marry!), Malfoy's ego, Snape's petty little grudge; I was tired of all of it.

But what I was sick of the most was Dumbledore and his stinking manipulations, trying to turn me into a meek little follower so I'd willingly let Riddle kill me, and for what? His cockamame 'greater good' bollocks? HA! And a society that was all too willing to label me a lunatic until he-who-has-no-bloody-nose-anymore decided to show, then it was all 'The boy-who-lived will stop him', ''Potter'll protect us'. They want the Dork Lord and his Death Nibbles gone, then they can bloody well do it themselves, Harry James Potter has officially washed his hands of the whole mess.

"Prek?" Hedwig gave me a perplexed look that was oddly hilarious on the normally serious owl.

"You heard me right, Hed. Wizarding Britain can look after itself as far as I'm concerned. We're heading out." I slammed my trunk closed and put a quick featherweight charm on it before slinging the whole thing onto my shoulder, "So, what do you think, Italy?"

"Prek..prek chirp."

"Hedwig, my parents have been dead since I was barely a year old. My godfather is gone. And Lupin.." I snorted in derision. Didn't even show up till #rd year, and that was because he was a teacher. If it wasn;t for the map and Dementors, I doubt he would've said a damn thing to me about my parents. Hell, he's barely said ten words to me since then!"

The snowy owl gave a resigned nod, "Bark prek. Chirp chirp."

"Really? Well, I have heard the Champs-Elysees is quite pleasant this time of year. Wait! What about Greece?"

"Chirp squawk!" The snowy owl's eager nod was all the confirmation I needed.

"Settled then. Dobby!" I spun around towards the telltale pop of apparation, coming knee to face with the excited elf.

"What can Dobby do for the great Harry Potter?" He asked eagerly.

"Dobby, I need an international portkey. I don't care who you have to poke, jinx, or nut punch to get it, but what whatever you deem necessary to get one, got it?"

He nodded before vanishing again.

With that, I told Hedwig to meet me outside the castle gates and headed out of the dorm. The leaving feast had finished a little while ago so I didn't expect to run into anyone on my way out. But since Fate like to screw me over whenever she can, three guesses who got in my way...

"Potter! Where do you think you're...!"

Now, a interesting tidbit about the featherweight charm, since its purpose is mainly to make something easier to lift, that's pretty much the only thing it does. You cast it on weights and it'll be liftable, but they're still just as solid as they always are.

In other words, Snape learned firsthand that a trunk with that charm can still knock the hell out of you when used as an improvised club...

And it felt DAMN good too.

However, the wards had probably warned the old wanker and his 'posse' when I managed to get past the front door. I was reaching the ward line when I heard him.

"MR. POTTER! JUST WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Cue McGonagall.

"What does it look like? I'm outta here! I'm done, finished, through."

"My boy," Merlin, that tone of his pisses me off EVERY time, "The Express won't be leaving until tommorrow..."

"I'm not talking about just the school, you senile plonker! I'm kissing Britan and all you sanctimonious twats and your hypocrisy goodbye! I've already suggested the same thing to Luna and Neville."

The expression on his face was priceless, "No! You can't! The prophecy...!"

"Is just another reason I'm ditching you! I've asked you time and time again about WHY that berk wants me dead and every time it was 'you aren't ready'. BOLLOCKS! If you'd have gone ahead and told me about that crap from the start, then maybe all that's happened the last four years wouldn't have! But no, Mr. High-and-Mighty Dumbledore decides I shouldn't know claiming you wanted me to have a 'normal childhood'.

"POTTER! You will address the Headmaster..."

"I'll call him whatever I damn well feel like!" I cut her off. To be honest. I was amazed there was someone who could match Vernon's red almost perfectly. "If the Dursleys were your idea of normal, then I pray I never see what meets your criteria of hostile! As far as I'm concerned, I met that damn prophecy's requirements when I turned Riddle into a ghost. You want Tom Riddle dead so badly, YOU kill him!"

"It explictly states that only you can! It's your responsibility!" Dumbledore shouted, agitation was starting to show.

"More bollocks, I've gone over that thing more than once in my head. NO WHERE does it say that. You lot are just too damn chicken to do it so you expect a teenager to bloody his hands for you! I'll admit, I've already take one man's life, but that was mostly in self-defense. I'm not going to protect a bunch of tossers that call me an evil lunatic one minute then claim they believed in me all along the second their arses are on the line!"

At that moment, Dobby reappeared and handed me what looked like an old rubber stamp, "Dobby is sorry it took so long, Harry Potter. The witch in charge of them is a very heavy sleeper."

"Right on time, Dobby." I grinned, just in time for Hedwig to make her own appearance and settle on my shoulder, "You really to ditch this place, girl?" A determined bark was all she needed to let me know.

"Mr. Potter, what is that!" Dumbledore pointed at the stamp, "That had best not be what I think..."

"If you mean a portkey, then yes, it's exactly what you think. I told you I'm through with magical Britain." I held it up to let Hedwig put claw on it, "Good-bye, and good riddance!"

If I had bothered to look at them, I would've seen the old man already flinging a spell at me. I guess he was trying to knock the portkey away, but I don't think any of us expected it to hit just as it was activating.

Now, I've heard about spell combinations having some interesting effects at times, but this was new. Instead of the usual whirling around, I was falling. Falling what seemed like a massive tunnel with random bursts of light every so often. I didn't really have much time to admire the show since most of my mind was focused on the PAIN.

Lots and lots of pain.

I could feel my body stretch and contort, accompanied by the sounds of muscle and tendons tearing, bones cracking. I was able to catch a glimpse of my fingers twisting and fusing together until they and my hand were one solid mass. My face felt like it was trying to rip itself away, stretching out with a sickening noise. I could only scream when I felt something rip out from my shoulder blades.

I was able to stay conscious long enough to see the tunnel end and grass rushing to meet me.

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"What happened!"

"Is he ok!"

"Where'd he come from?"

"I dunno, I-I was having lunch when I just heard this loud thud outside. Found the poor guy laying there in a heap. Looked like he hit pretty hard!

When I first heard the voices, I started thinking, 'Crap! Tell me I'm not back in the infirmiry!' until I realized something..

I didn't recognize any of them. Not a one. My body still felt like Grawp had used me as rugby ball, so I felt it was natural when gingerly opened an eye. Unfortunately, my glasses were gone so all I could see were odd colored splotches and blurs. I could tell I was in a bed somewhere, but it still hurt too much to really move, and my body felt very, very...

Off.

"Look! He's coming to! Twilight, he's up!" The orange blur called out in a noticably female voice.

"I'm coming!" Another female voice, this time a purple blur, "Move over, Applejack!"

Twilight? Applejack? Were those nicknames? Last names? Didn't sound Greek, that much was for sure.

"Ngh...wha..where am I..?"

"Easy, you took a pretty nasty fall. Dislocated two legs and a wing. Luckily that's the worst of it aside from a few bruises." The purple blur said.

Did it..she..say 'wing'? I started to say something when another voice spoke up, "Harry! Thank goodness you're awake! I've been worried sick!" It was another female voice, with a British accent. Dunno why, but deep down I knew who that was.

"Hedwig..?"

A smaller white blur came landing beside me, something landing on my chest as well.

"I was able to find your glasses at least. Merlin, when I saw you hit I was scared stiff! But considering what you've gone through the last four years, I guess I should be glad that you came out of it as well as you did. All things considering."

I tried to reach for them, but a large red blur beat me to it, this was obviously male, judging from the sound, "I got it. You're not in any real shape to move around right now."

When I felt them get put back on, I quickly discovered what the colored blurs were.

Horses. Brightly, and oddly colored horses. The one apparently called Applejack was dressed in what looked like a cowgirl outfit. Beside her was the red one, for a moment I thought he was a Clydesdale.

Turning to the purple one, who was Twilight I guess; I was about to ask where Hed and I were when I realized just why my body felt weird..

A look at what used to be my left arm showed it was now a pale green.

And ended in a hoof.

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Yes, you're thinking right: an HP/MLP cross. Don't ask me where it came from, I'm still wondering myself.

Anyone ever wonder what was possible if something did cause a portkey malfunction? Haven't seen any fic that explore that angle.

Seeing Dumbles and the rest working on tracking Harry down while he enjoys his new life.

Any possible parings I leave to the discretion of whoever adopts this one.


	6. Harry Of The Metal

"How did I let them talk me into coming here for a vacation?" He muttered to himself, cringing slightly at how eerily clean and orderly the neighborhood was, even at night, "Granted Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath are from here, but there's hardly anything going on! Only been in England two hours and I'm already bored outta my skull." He probably would have continued his rant were it not for something else catching his attention...something he didn't like the sound of.

"SIX! I TOLD YOU TO MAKE EIGHT, YOU STUPID LITTLE...!"

Fortunately, or unfortunate depending, all the years of tuning insturments and equipment had given him a surprisingly keen ear. He stopped dead in his tracks, "Whoa..someone needs a vacation worse than I do."

"I'm sorry, Uncle! I didn't..."

POW!

"SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH, YOU FREAK!"

He immediantly froze when he heard the second voice scream in pain. There was only one kind of person that had that tone..

A little kid.

Without a second thought, he took off across the street, clearing the yard in a few strides before planting his boot-clad foot in the door, taking it clean off the hinges. What he saw inside made his blood boil. Inside, a fat man had a grip on a black-haired boy who was barely a fifth his size. The left side of the kid's face was bruised and swollen. A small trickle of blood was visible in the corner of his mouth.

Nearby stood another kid, but this one was almost a scale model of the man in terms of gut and a really scrawny-looking lady. The brief looks of satisfaction he had managed to catch on entry before turning to shock did not earn any sympathy points with him.

"WHO THE RUDDY HELL...!" The fat man started to bellow until his voice died at the sight of the double-bladed axe pointing at him.

"I'm the guy who's giving your fat ass ten seconds to explain where the fuck you get off beating up on a little kid." He snarled, "Otherwise you and The Separator here are gonna be getting close."

The fat man did his best to look like he was justified, "How else do you deal with a little abomination like him! The miserable hellspawn refuses to follow any directions!"

"Really? Then I guess his screaming that he was sorry doesn't mean jack." His eyes narrowed at the tub of lard before bringing the flat of the axe squarely on his head, breaking his grip on the kid and knocking him cold.

"I hate liars almost as much as I hate assholes who hit kids." He growled. The woman started to screech about 'the unprovoked attack on her husband' but quickly shut up when he glared at her and asked, "You wanna join him?" The other kid simply pissed his pants and ran off to hide.

He put the axe away and focused on the first one, "Hey, it's ok. I'm not gonna hurt ya." He said, kneeling down to help him up, "_JESUS H. CHRIST! Little guy's little more than skin and bones!" _He thought, alarmed at how thin the boy was. Noting how heavy the other kid had been, he knew this wasn't natural.

"I oughta beat beat both you and your fatass husband's miserable asses here and now!" He snapped at the woman, "Who the hell treats their own kid like this!"

"H-How DARE you presume that..that..THING is ours!" She shrieked, finding a bit of courage, "We never asked for now wanted him! He was just dropped on our doorstep five years ago with a letter saying he was our bloody responsibility!"

"So you never offically adopted him, huh?"

The woman immediantly gave him a disgusted look, "Of corse not you..." She was promptly cut off by a straight right to the face, the crunch of her nose breaking was highly satisfying.

"No...no one's ever done that before" The small voice piped up behind him.

"Huh?" He turned to looked at the kid standing a little wobbly, two bright green eyes looking up at him..

"S..stand up for me...no one's ever done that..."

He kneeled down and put a hand on the boy's shoulder to help him steady, "Well, no kid deserves what that guy was doing. Listen, I don't wanna seem nosey, but..is this a first time thing? The hitting, I mean?"

"Well...not..not often..this time was because I misheard him and fixed six pieces of bacon instead of eight for his evening snack."

"Wait..why the heck didn't he get it himself?"

"They've been having me cook ever since I could reach up to the stove top..about six months now..."

That bit of info did not sit well with him, but it was also what gave him an idea. There was no way in HELL he was leaving the boy there; and besides, the woman made it clear the boy wasn't welcome, "What's your name, kiddo?"

"They.." He clanced at the unconcious duo, "Always called me 'boy'..or 'freak'..but the teacher said my real name was Harry Potter."

"Well, Harry. The name's Eddie. Eddie Riggs. Listen, do you even consider this place home? Even the slightest? Just be honest."

Harry looked up. He wasn't sure why, but there was something about this Eddie fellow that just flat out screamed that he was good guy, regardless of the axe he had. He promptly shook his head, "This never was my home.."

Eddie smiled, "How about we both get outta here? I know some guys back home you'd have a ball with. Besides, I think we could both use a pick-me-up after all this. Plus we can get that brusing looked after."

Harry returned the smile as best he could, "Ok."

"That's the spirit!" Eddie promptly lifted Harry up onto his shoulder, and after giving the fat man a kick in the ribs followed by heavy stomp to the groin, left the house, "Granted, I never really thought of myself as father material, " He admitted, "But I have always wanted a little brother!"

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Meanwhile, in a castle up in Scotland, an elderly man was in his office, enjoying a cup of tea. At least, he was until several silver devices nearby immediantly went berserk, screeching, blowing out sparks and smoke, and throwing him out of his chair.

"What in Merlin's...!" He yelped when one blew up. "Sweet Morganna!" With that, he immediantly grabbed a paperweight and vanished. Reappearing at the house.

By the time he did, however, both Harry and Eddie were long gone.

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Yep, you saw right, a Harry Potter/Brutal Legend crossover. Can you imagine Hogwarts getting a Harry who grew up up around Eddie, Ophellia, and guys like the Kill Master and Headbangers? Especially if Harry mistakes Snape for one of the Drowning Doom.


End file.
